Heart's Desire

I’m not sure how to start this but here it goes. Though it seems like everything in my life has gone my way; the one thing that I long for has yet to bear fruit. I have this void that is seemingly becoming bigger as the years go by. Maybe I've given too much of myself and nothing fulfilling has come to satisfy my Heart’s desire. I have tried my best to ask and even beg but it's the one thing that my wife is not at liberty to fulfill for me.

For years now I have longed to become a father. My attempts to become one naturally; could not be possible due to my wife’s medical condition. I have had heated discussions with her to adopt but she would rather not go through raising a child. My attempts have been fruitless no matter the avenue I've proposed. The 24 years of being in the Navy is all I have. Once this is done I can't think of anything else that would have much meaning to my life.
I've tried my best to forget about my selfish desires and convinced myself that I would be happy with my life even without children. This emptiness is honestly eating me up inside and it is making me miserable and unsatisfied with life.

Opportunities has come and gone and I've had regrets about turning those chances down because I believed it was the right thing to do while married. Believe me I would have been an illegitimate father many times over during my younger years. It is just not my nature to do such thing. I was raised up a better person and though she’s gone now I still would not do it. I even have an offer from a friend who will join me to adopt kids and raise them with me. Yes, it was the right thing to do and not accept those offers but now I've come to the conclusion that it has always been about someone else and not about me. It has always been about what others will think and how others will view me. In the end, if I keep this then I will be left with nothing but misery, slow death to my heart’s desire and a lost dream of having a family of my own, with children.

This desire has been eating me up inside as the years go by and it has gotten stronger. I’m not talking yesterday, YEARS...like 10 plus years. And if by chance with my strike at luck; a woman crosses my path and is up to offer me a life with children. I’m even open to accepting children that she has now. I did it with my first marriage and I don’t see why not again. I can love children no matter where they come from. Then I am more than willing.

I have to make this decision on my own and I believe that unless I take the step then my heart’s desire to have a family of my own will never be. I thank the friends and family who have listened to me and given me the support on whatever decision I made. I continue to ask for your prayers to help me find the right partner in life to have a family of my own.

Since becoming a US Navy Chief

Nine years ago, after returning from ten years of shore duty; I stepped onto the Mess Decks of the USS Carl Vinson. It was my first time to wear my Khaki Uniform and lead my Sailors as a US Navy Chief. I remember the Sailor's looking at the flat screens throughout the messdecks as they watched CNN replaying the scenes of each plane crashing into the twin towers and then the collapse of both towers. The looks on the faces of these young Sailors were of disbelief, worry and most of all Fear. However surreal it was, I had to gather my composure and get these Sailors to focus on our tasking of responding to this tragic and cowardly act. We were two months into our deployment and were about to head into the Persian Gulf, when on Sept 11, 2001 our ship was diverted to the North Arabian Sea and on October 7, 2001 our Carrier Strike Group launched the first airstrikes in support of Operation Enduring Freedom.

Since then I have lead my Sailors to faithfully do their jobs just as if we were in the frontlines. Maybe it was my destiny to face the challenges and be the one taking these young American men and women into the War on Terrorism campaign. Nine years later after three ships, an overseas duty providing support to forwardly deployed units, and finally on shore duty. I am faced with the fact that my career as a US Navy Senior Chief may be coming close to retirement. For twenty two years I've been proudly serving in our nation's greatest Navy. This is all that I've been doing since leaving Saipan back in 1986. A sombering fact that I will soon transition into the civilian workforce.

It truly has been rewarding getting out of my skin and taking on the task to train, groom and lead Sailors during the past 9 years as a Navy Chief. A very humbling experience as well to have the honor of serving this great country of ours called the United States of America. Who would have thought that this island boy would be destined leading Sailors into almost a decade of war. Every year since then when the commemoration of September 11 comes around, it falls during the Chief Select training season. Every year I commit to the Chief's Mess to be a part of initiating, inducting, transitioning and accepting Chief Selects become US Navy Chiefs and to honorably enter the Chief's Mess. For nine years I have been training Chiefs to eventually take my place and continue what I have been doing since September 11, 2001.

For the rest of my life I will forever remember the day after I became a US Navy Chief because it was on Sept 11, 2001. Even though I will no longer wear the Khaki Uniform with my Anchors, I will still live on to remember the significance of when I started my commitment in being a US Navy Chief. Hundreds of my former shipmates will have never reached as far as I have and although I leave them behind; I have them to thank for being a US Navy Senior Chief. To the Sailors who have become Chiefs under my charge and careful training, thank you and keep it up. Train the new Chief Selects and proudly bring them into our Chief's Mess. Together we will make this Navy stronger and smarter. Together as a united Chief's Mess we can take our young men and women to take this fight for another decade(God willing) so we can continue living in this wonderful country of ours with the freedoms we all enjoy.