Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Heart's Desire

I’m not sure how to start this but here it goes. Though it seems like everything in my life has gone my way; the one thing that I long for has yet to bear fruit. I have this void that is seemingly becoming bigger as the years go by. Maybe I've given too much of myself and nothing fulfilling has come to satisfy my Heart’s desire. I have tried my best to ask and even beg but it's the one thing that my wife is not at liberty to fulfill for me.

For years now I have longed to become a father. My attempts to become one naturally; could not be possible due to my wife’s medical condition. I have had heated discussions with her to adopt but she would rather not go through raising a child. My attempts have been fruitless no matter the avenue I've proposed. The 24 years of being in the Navy is all I have. Once this is done I can't think of anything else that would have much meaning to my life.
I've tried my best to forget about my selfish desires and convinced myself that I would be happy with my life even without children. This emptiness is honestly eating me up inside and it is making me miserable and unsatisfied with life.

Opportunities has come and gone and I've had regrets about turning those chances down because I believed it was the right thing to do while married. Believe me I would have been an illegitimate father many times over during my younger years. It is just not my nature to do such thing. I was raised up a better person and though she’s gone now I still would not do it. I even have an offer from a friend who will join me to adopt kids and raise them with me. Yes, it was the right thing to do and not accept those offers but now I've come to the conclusion that it has always been about someone else and not about me. It has always been about what others will think and how others will view me. In the end, if I keep this then I will be left with nothing but misery, slow death to my heart’s desire and a lost dream of having a family of my own, with children.

This desire has been eating me up inside as the years go by and it has gotten stronger. I’m not talking yesterday, YEARS...like 10 plus years. And if by chance with my strike at luck; a woman crosses my path and is up to offer me a life with children. I’m even open to accepting children that she has now. I did it with my first marriage and I don’t see why not again. I can love children no matter where they come from. Then I am more than willing.

I have to make this decision on my own and I believe that unless I take the step then my heart’s desire to have a family of my own will never be. I thank the friends and family who have listened to me and given me the support on whatever decision I made. I continue to ask for your prayers to help me find the right partner in life to have a family of my own.

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